Suicide . . .What the $&#@!!
Suicide. I just don't completely get it. I think that is the simple truth of the matter.
Here is the Merriam-Webster definition of the word: suicide :
- 1 a: the act or an instance of taking one's own life voluntarily and intentionally especially by a person of years of discretion (power of free decision) and of sound mind b: ruin of one's own interests (political suicide)
- 2: one that commits or attempts suicide
So that is the definition but it does not really describe it, it does not help us understand suicide. It does not tell us why people commit suicide. It does nothing to make sense of it at all. So I have to look elsewhere.
I think to myself why would I commit suicide? Would I ever find a reason to do it? Off myself. And you know what? I came up with not a single reason. NOT one reason, or pain, or suffering that would make me really and seriously want to end my life. Have I thought about it? I would have to say yes. And the reason for that, well, a kind of morbid fascination plays a part I will admit. Suicide has finality to it and it feels like one thing in a crazy world you can control.
Don't get me wrong, I am not arguing for it. I am just trying to see what a person's reasons could be? Last desperate cries for help, attention, end to pain, abandonment? I find it hard to imagine what could go so wrong in your life where you see the answer to end it. Then I realized I am looking at it all wrong. It is not that you necessarily want to die but that you can not take anymore pain, physical or emotional.
Suicide might seem like the answer. An end to pain, suffering, misery, hurt, but it is an end to it all, to everything, to life. It is giving up, giving in, and being selfish. It is denying all the love you ever felt and given and received. The memories, the good times and bad, the friends you made are taken and thrown away. I could not forsake it all. Give it all up and say it meant nothing; not a damn thing.
Suicide becomes an option when the pain exceeds the ability to cope. When you can take no more and you just do not know how to handle it, it holds you down Even though you might not really want to die, you feel like your are drowning. You just have to try and ease the pain or find another way to cope. I know that is easily said, but if you want relief from the pain how are you going to feel it if you are no longer alive.
The reason I am talking about this and ranting and raving is that on July 10th 2001 a web cam girl named Stacy attempted to commit suicide on her web cam after her boyfriend broke up with her. She felt completely crushed after reading his e-mail saying it was over and she felt she could not live after giving her heart to the man she loved. I feel for her, though I can not say I can understand the depth of hurt and pain she did at the moment in time.
She made an entry in her livejournal saying, "I’ve been in love twice. Both times I’ve been told at the end that I was not enough. This is it. I’m not going to do it again. I’m in a world where people aren't even kind to each other. I think it's just time to check out. I’m not worth loving even when I try with all my might to be someone else. Even when I say, "I would give you anything. I love you so much. “Skutch knows I’m going. He’s meowing at me. sweet kitty.' and then she proceeded to down lots of pills and over the next couple hours livejournal readers and web cam watchers frantically tried to help and get a hold of the police. Stacy is taken to the hospital and is alive, but she has done damage to her heart and other internal organs. She now regrets her actions and wishes she would have given suicide more thought and saw what she truly does have to live for, such as her cat, Skutch.
There is nothing that you can not face, not withstand and survive. I am not saying that life is easy and there is no pain, because that would be a terrible lie to you and me. With all good things come the bad but we use the help of those around us to keep hope for the good so we can get past the bad. You are not crazy, or messed up or any of that, you have just reached your boiling point.
I know that it is easy to feel alone and lost, like there is no place left to turn and nobody cares anyway. It is not true. I know this for a fact. Not just a fact but a truth. And you want to know how? It is really simple. I care. I care if you live or die. I care if you are suffering or feeling terrible and hurt. I care that you feel horribly alone; just remember that I care and think it over again. Give yourself time to think about what you are doing and how you can cope with your pain. Talk to me; I want to be your friend. I know that you can get through this and I know you want to live.
Enjoy yourself and email or bitch in the forums.